Buzz buzz

So…. life. Life, while not perfect, is much better than this time a year ago. I’m getting to spend everyday with Renny, who is my joy. Friends, some family, jobs, credit, and my podcast production company have suffered. Honestly I have lost a lot in my life that made me… me. I was in crisis mode and I had to prioritize. What was most important? Of course Serenity. If it wasn’t for Ren or didn’t make her happy it went to the bottom of the to do list. I think most people have been very understanding, and a few have really stuck by me through this, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. Some people hate me without even sitting down to talk with me, that’s okay too. I realize this situation was self created and an inevitability. When playing Jenga with life, eventually all the pieces fall.

Life was great for a long time. I’m sure better than most. People always just wanted to be there for me, and I thought that was normal. That kind of unconditional support is kind of like air or wi-fi, you don’t really fully appreciate it until it’s gone. I am proud of myself keeping it together as well as I did. I didn’t turn to drugs or drinking, and I didn’t leave. Therapy helped, close friends listening on the phone for hours helped, financial help from friends… helped, the generous offers to help, helped.

Serenity’s smile and joy got me through. I think I’m in the autumn 🍂 of my years now, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had my fun, I’ve had the perfect life, now it’s just time to keep my head down, keep to myself, and be there for Ren whatever she may need, focus on giving her every opportunity to have a better life than I did, that’s what most parents want for their children I think. My dad lived for me, I was his joy. I didn’t understand until this part of my life. Everything could have been so much worse. I wake up everyday so grateful for what I still have. No matter what my struggles were and are, I have a job to do, Dad. Yes that can be used as a verb as well. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Being a dad is what makes me most happy now. As for the rest of it, I’m not sure. If I’m lucky I’ll get a winter of my years, although I’m not in a hurry to get there. If not, it’s OK. I’m happy in the now, I know what’s important, and I now know who really cares. So if I say no, say yes and just don’t get it done, don’t return messages, turn my phone off for days, don’t pay a bill, or just don’t show up at all, it’s not because I’m being selfish as much as I’m living minute by minute, and at that minute it’s not the best option for me to be able to be there for Ren, or I’m just unable.

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